She was stretched out on the couch for a couple of hours now, her thoughts twirling around in the air, softly... The time seemed to have stopped and she didn't know how long she will stay there. The only thing she knew was that she didn't want to move. She didn't want anything as she thought life was too hard. She felt everything she could do was useless and worthless. Yet, good things had happened to her these days. Darwyn-Grace Carmichael, a great and powerful woman working for the Art Industry had employed Alexa because she thought she was talented and brilliant. She wanted to work with her. Alexa didn't think twice when Carmichael asked her for the job. She accepted it immediately. However, her new boss was very demanding and she wanted her new artist to work hard, she wanted about five or six new drawings each week. Alexa stopped answering her phone, she turned it off one day ago as her boyfriend tried to call her. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She felt depressed. She didn't forget to feed the cats, actually Ronnie and Arthur were the only two "persons" that could have heard Alexa and seen her in her current mood. She talked to them. " How do you guys do today ? It's a great day isn't it ? " She asked them, pretending to be fine as if she had to fool them. They didn't answer. Obviously. But she was pleased they couldn't talk because she knew that in some ways, what she was doing wasn't good for herself. She knew staying at home, skipping class, ignoring everyone wasn't right and yet she couldn't stop doing it. She felt terribly weak and she was wondering what would bring her out of all this. The only thing that was keeping her alive so far was probably the tears she haven't cried yet. She sighed and finally got up. Slowly she crossed the living room to reach the kitchen, there, she took a glass and filled it up with water. She drank and as she wanted to put the glass on the table, it fell and exploded on the floor in hundreds of pieces. She looked down, feeling nothing and she spanned the pieces of glass not to get cut by them. Alexa went back to the living room and she sat on the couch again, then she looked around her. The flat was messy. Clothes, papers, pencils, brushes... she had let things drag on and she didn't really care as no one was supposed to come to see her. A tear ran along her cheek and she shook her head before she put her head in her hair. She didn't even worry about what she looked like. She was wearing a black t-shirt and white panties, not much as she felt hot, burning inside. There was no light in the room, the sun was slightly shining through the closed shutter and she sighed again before she let herself fall on the sofa. And she started crying again. She was so drowned in her own sadness and distress that she didn't even hear the door that opened and let someone coming in.
It’s been a few days since I last even talked to her. Calling her phone or sending messages appeared to be totally pointless. No signs. That wasn’t normal… I mean… Alexa wasn’t “that” kind of woman. The ones who liked standing by themselves all alone in their bedrooms just to do I-don’t-know-what-sort-of-depressing-activity while listening to Céline Dion songs. Nah… that wasn’t my girl. Maybe she… forgot to pay the bill for the phone? Or maybe she was angry with me?! Oh come on… please don’t tell me that. Being away with my bass as my only sympathetic friend was far enough! I didn’t need a fight with Alexa in addition to that difficulty in my career. I was a solitary man, but I hated loneliness even if I never had problems with the management of mental pressure – if we forget about the little accidents due to my impulsivity.
Once I got back to town, my first destination was clear: the apartment. Maybe it wasn’t exactly “our” apartment, but I loved to think that it actually was… because I mostly spend my time in it when I was in San Francisco. And now that I was having the keys, I felt more at home every time I had to unlock the front door. That present Alexa gave me made me really happy… and I kinda felt “family” with someone else than my sister when we were together at the flat.
Well… today was more tricky than usual because I was apprehending what will awaits me in the living room. A tiger? Hum, no, my girlfriend wasn’t aggressive even when se was really upset. Oh, Damon, stop freaking out and go ahead.
When I got in the floor, my first impression was a bit like:
- What the…
The apartment gave me a taste chaos, and I couldn’t tell what the worst thing was; the smell or the mess? Don’t tell me she didn’t opened the windows since last week?! And why was it so dark in there?! More than panicked, is was kinda irritated.
- Hey, Lex!
I stepped in the main room and calmed down immediately. What I saw that day on the couch never got out of my head later… it was… horrible. I felt horrible. Why? Because of my absences, because of my individualism and because I wasn’t here when “it” happened. What? I couln’t tell, but something for sure. Anxiety take me over and I knelt next to the crying woman.
Her tears stopped as soon as the voice of her boyfriend rang out in the room. He came closer and knelt next to her, she sat up and looked at him, quiet. He was there. Damon Sykes, standing just right in front of her. Was he supposed to be in SF today ? She couldn't remind. She had spent so much time in the dark that she didn't knew how many days already passed since she was there. Time was long. Her mouth remained closed for a while, she did not know what to say to him. She felt ashamed, and pointless and she knew she would regret that he has seen her like this : so desperate. She couldn't even tell why she was like this. In fact, it was linked to different things : first, Damon's absence. Since he was "on tour" with that Ewan she felt terribly alone even if the moment when he came back to San Francisco were always amazing, she couldn't help feeling alone and given up because he preferred going across the world to play his bloody music. Second, the stress due to her new job. Third, the stress due to her studies. Fourth, the fact that she had suffering disorder and that she was in what the doctors called a "depressive phase". That kind of "phase" happened once or twice a year, it has begun when she arrived in San Francisco. After she tried to killed herself at the age of 16 actually. After her first split with Damon. Not a lot of persons knew about this, one of them was Donovan Lamotte that she considered as her bestfriend, but she never told Damon because she didn't think it was useful. Because she didn't think he could have to face it.
" You're here... " she said quietly.
She sighed and closed her eyes a second, then she opened them again and stared at him. He was still there, in front of her. He seemed completely lost, probably because for once, things were not under control and that he didn't expected that, but strangely she didn't really care. Alexa wasn't the kind of person that spent their time thinking only about themselves, she wasn't selfish. She used to care more about other people than she cared about herself because she has always wanted everyone to be happy. But for once... she couldn't help thinking about herself and only herself because she was suffering of all that situations.
" I can't handle it anymore Damon... that's too hard... "
Alexa looked down, she has always held herself up to tell Damon that she was hurt. She didn't want him to stop playing music because she knew it was what he liked to do. But it was too hard, as she had just said it. She got up as she felt suddenly mad at him and didn't want him to came too close to her.
" I really tried... " she whispered, talking about the fact he was always travelling. She folded her arms and turn round to face him.
Accueil
